Out on My Own Again Running From Home Again

In part two of this series on running away, James tells you how to handle information technology when your child is on the streets, and what to say when they come home—including giving them consequences for their actions.

[Editor's Note: The intent of this commodity is to support parents in situations where their kid uses running away as a faulty problem-solving skill in response to rules or limits that are being set in the home. Sometimes there are underlying issues that may influence a child or teen to run abroad. This article is not intended to accost situations that may possibly involve abuse, neglect or other problems.]

For kids, running away is similar taking a long, dangerous timeout. They may use it to avoid some difficulty at home, or to hide from something that's embarrassing to them. Y'all can besides look at running away as a power struggle, because kids will often run instead of taking responsibleness for their actions or complying with house rules. Higher up all, as a parent, what yous don't want to do is requite it ability. That's the fundamental rule: do non give this behavior ability.

The forces that drive your kid to run are more powerful than the idea that he might get a consequence.

In the last article, I discussed what you tin can practice before your child leaves, and how to create an temper of acceptance at home. In part two, I'd similar to talk about what you can do when your child is out on the streets, and how you should handle their re-entry back into home life.

WHAT TO Practice WHILE YOUR CHILD IS ON THE STREET

Exit a Paper Trail

If your kid has run away, you lot need to call the police, plain and unproblematic. I understand that not all parents want to do this, but I recall it's imperative that you lot take this step. I tin can't stress this enough: you lot want to accept a written record that your child is not under your supervision, and that should be recorded at the police station.

Likewise, if you telephone call and study your child missing, know that your call will exist recorded. I hate to say information technology, just one of the paradoxes for parents is that the authorities will ofttimes ask, "Why did you let your kid run away?" when in fact, in that location's no way they tin brand them stay at home. Practise your best to reply every bit honestly as you tin can, considering information technology's very important to document what's happening.

You lot should besides call the Section of Human being Services to create a newspaper trail at that place, also. They may very well tell you that they can't give you whatsoever aid, but the point is, you documented it. Be sure to write down the proper name of the case worker you talked to for future reference.

Should You Look for Your Child on the Streets?

I personally don't believe in going and looking for your kid on the streets if they are children who chronically run abroad. I don't think you should give that kind of behavior a lot of power. The rules should be really clear in the family: "If y'all run away, you've got to make your way back here. I'm not going to come looking for y'all or call all your friends. If you're not domicile, I'll telephone call the police."

There are those parents who look for their kids to make certain they're okay. I understand that impulse, only once again, I don't retrieve you want to requite your kid too much power or special status when they run away. If they get too much attention and likewise much power, you're only encouraging them to practice it again the next time there's a problem. Unintentional reinforcement is something you have to be very careful about.

If yous do find your child, y'all can say, "Look, when you're set to come home, we'll talk about it." I'm personally very leery well-nigh parents who chase afterwards their kids and beg and plead. If you practice beg them to come habitation, when your kid comes back, they will take more than ability and you have less. From and so on, whenever they want something or don't want to be held accountable for their actions, they'll play the delinquent card.

The Sad Truth: Lack of Community Support for Parents of Runaways

Call up, it'southward your child's responsibleness to stay at home since y'all legally have no way to keep them there. In fact, I know of kids who've actually left while the police were there. They just said, "I'm non taking this anymore," and they walked out. And the cops said to the parents, "We can't do anything until he commits a law-breaking."

In the states where I've lived, if your kid runs away and yous call the police, by police they can't do annihilation. Function of the obstruction that parents confront is a lack of community support. Amazingly, there'southward no statute that requires kids to alive in a condom place. That really puts parents in a bad identify because society won't make your child stay at dwelling or fifty-fifty in a shelter. When I was a kid, if y'all ran away from habitation they would have you to court and put you lot on probation; you lot were just non allowed to run the streets and be a runaway. Unfortunately, that police has changed. Today, it'southward estimated that there are betwixt 1 to 3 million kids on the street in this country.  If you determine to file a Missing Persons written report, fifty-fifty if the police force discover your child living on the street, they can't make him come habitation. At present your kid is no longer a "Missing Person," and you lot accept even less power in some ways. When that happens, you only take to await until your child wants to come up home.

COMING HOME: RE-ENTRY AND FAMILY RULES

If Your Child Says They are Ready to Come Habitation…

If your child has dropped out of schoolhouse and is abusing substances and living on the streets, I don't think they should be allowed to come domicile without certain weather. And if it's decided that they can return, their re-entry to home life should be very structured.

I know it's hard, but I recollect that even if your kid is crying on the phone, what you lot desire to get clear is, "We beloved you very much and you lot can come dorsum again, only the rules aren't changing." I've seen parents with abusive kids tell them very simply, "You can't come up home until we have a meeting and agree to some rules. And until then, stay with your friends." Information technology's difficult for parents to practice, simply I support that.

Take a Frank Discussion: What to Say When Your Child is Back Domicile

Ane of the main things you lot desire to talk to your returning child about is what they're going to do differently this time. Enquire, "What'southward going to exist different about the way yous solve your issues, and what are y'all going to exercise the next time you desire to run away?" I recommend that yous have a frank word with them. Let them know that running away is a problem that simply complicates their lives and makes their other problems worse. Again, we want running away to be viewed as a trouble your child has to learn to deal with. Nosotros know as adults that in one case you lot offset running from something, y'all may run for the rest of your life. Running abroad is i of the ways kids solve bug, it'due south but non an effective mode to do so. And in fact, most solutions that depend upon ability and control are ineffective.

The Consequences for Running Away:

If your child has run away to avoid consequences, he should do them when he comes back—immediately. That's what he ran away from, and that's what he needs to face. Running away is a very dangerous and risky behavior, and I believe in that location should exist a result for it, as well. The consequence doesn't have to exist besides castigating; keep it task-oriented. One of the problems with consequences is that if they're non lesson-oriented, and so the concept you're trying to teach is lost. I like a upshot that says, "Write out the whole story of how you ran away. What were you thinking, what were you trying to accomplish? Then tell me what you're going to do differently next time." Sit downwardly with your child and get them to process it with yous, and then talk about what your kid can do differently adjacent time together. E'er concord them accountable. For kids who run away chronically, if you ship them to their room, they won't acquire anything. But if you ground them from electronics until they write an essay, brand apology, and tell you how they're going to handle it differently, eventually the behavior will change.

Hither's the truth: nobody ever stopped running away because they were afraid of penalization. Nobody ever said, "I'1000 non going to run away considering the consequences are likewise severe." If you're a parent of teen who is in danger of running away, realize that the forces that drive him to run are more powerful than the idea that he might get a upshot.

Utilise Repetition and Rehearsal to Alter Behavior

If your child writes an essay about why they ran away and tells you lot they are sorry, whether they hateful it or not actually doesn't affair. The important thing is that the learning is going to change. Recall of it this manner: if you had a spelling test every day, whether yous tried or not, you're going to learn to spell. It'due south the same way for your kid—he has to write those words out. One of the master ways kids acquire is through repetition and rehearsal. Role of that, by the fashion, is giving them task-oriented consequences, over and over again. It'due south much better to have your kid write an amends five times than to send them to their room for 5 hours. Somewhen, that learning will sink in—I've seen it happen fourth dimension and time once again.

Should Yous Ever Tell Your Child to Exit?

Sometimes kids come domicile and start falling into their one-time patterns of behavior. I know parents who have told their kids to get to a shelter or to go couch surf for a week. I am sympathetic to this arroyo, but I think at that place'south a very loftier risk involved; each family has to brand decisions like these very seriously. If y'all're going to tell an under-age person to become couch surf, y'all have to think that through carefully. This is non because yous're going to be held criminally responsible or become to jail, but considering bad things can happen—and you're going to take to live with the consequences, no matter what. Parents of girls often worry more than considering of the simple fact that it's riskier for girls to run than for boys—more than harm tin come to them. Retrieve, each family has to live with its own decisions when it comes to safety—and there's no joking almost that.

The Key to Dealing with Kids Who Run Abroad

In my opinion, the key to dealing with kids who run away both chronically and episodically is education them problem-solving skills, and identifying the triggers that lead to risky decisions. Kids take to learn coping skills that help them manage their responsibilities in the hither and now, so they don't accept anything to run abroad from in the future. That means doing their homework and chores, being honest and non lying about responsibilities and schoolwork, getting make clean and sober if they have a substance abuse trouble, and being able to face the music when they've done something wrong or publicly embarrassing. The bottom line is that kids demand to larn how to take responsibility, be answerable, and not run away from consequences. Kids are not told enough that life is what you make it—and that means now, not when you're 25.

Related Content:
Teens and Privacy: Should I Spy on My Kid?
Throwing It All Abroad: When Good Kids Make Bad Choices

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/running-away-part-ii-mom-i-want-to-come-home-when-your-child-is-on-the-streets/

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